http://sordidexistence.tumblr.com/

feeling sad but idk i just keep thinking about a lot of stuff but i hate myself for feeling sad...

Tue, 08 May 2012 21:47:21 +0100

feeling sad but idk i just keep thinking about a lot of stuff but i hate myself for feeling sad because i need to get over myself everyone feels low and i don’t want to tell anyone i’ll just have fun instead and idk im watching a sad film and i started crying just because someone was attractive and i feel so sad and useless and god god god i hate myself

it feels like every god damn time i turn on my laptop i have a message asking me about that stupid...

Mon, 07 May 2012 19:19:45 +0100

it feels like every god damn time i turn on my laptop i have a message asking me about that stupid day and i keep thinking maybe i’m turning insane and sending myself the messages but i’m not and i know i’m not so instead it feels like he’s sending them to me or someone is as a constant reminder that it happened because god it did happen and i don’t want to be reminded and i feel terrible and i want to cut myself if i’m being completely candid but i can’t i don’t have the energy to and i’m doing so well but my skin needs to be pierced and my head hurts but i can’t take paracetomal because i fear i’ll take 33 more than i need to and lord i need to get out of here

okayim annoying myself now and she’s annoying me and he’s annoying me and everything is...

Mon, 07 May 2012 13:06:29 +0100

okayim annoying myself now and she’s annoying me and he’s annoying me and everything is making me annoyed and i feel exasperated but she just and it’s like a lot of things are problems and idk she really isn’t my best friend like i literally am scared to tell her anything because i really don’t trust her and whenever i do tell her anything i really regret it later and i wish i didn’t and sigh

sigh i feel really sad right now not depressed or anything just literally sad and he has a...

Sun, 06 May 2012 23:47:17 +0100

sigh

i feel really sad right now not depressed or anything just literally sad and he has a girlfriend and i know that’s a dumb thing to get upset about because ive known for ages and it’s not a big deal and it’s not just that but it’s a lot of things and they’re all making me sad and sigh it’s dumb and i just want someone to talk to and be sad to but i mean she’s sent me a few messages but they’re all about other stuff and i’ve barely sai anthing in response so she hasn’t bothered replying but i just want her to be like a best friend right now but she doesnt know and she’s not my best friend and i feel like even if she messaged me or phoned me i still wouldnt tell her anything i mean i dont know im being dumb and sad and expecting more than i should

sigh I hope I haven’t contaminated her staying over my house or anything I’m going to...

Sun, 06 May 2012 16:23:33 +0100

sigh I hope I haven’t contaminated her staying over my house or anything I’m going to have to stop being so weird and sexual all the time i mean JESUS CHRIST oh my god and if i ever say hey do you wanna come over and get drunk one night she’ll probably be like oh my god no because i am like a sexual beast please lord just make me stop being the way i am

facebook keeps bringing him up on people you may know as well and it’s like no i don’t know any jamie’s i don’t need this why am i still so undoubtedly infatuated and gay and all over the top with him

i dont like anything i feel miserable in the heartbroken way i feel heartbroken it’s fucking annoying i was just lying in bed watching sad black and white films last night and im gonna do it again and im not doing anything worthy with my life and i hate myself and god jesus lord mary

wallowing i feel so sad just plainly sad and miserable and i’m annoyed because i’ve been...

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 20:00:51 +0100

wallowing

i feel so sad just plainly sad and miserable and i’m annoyed because i’ve been feeling happy lately but nothing is going right and everything’s going to get worse and i did nothing why did he do it i hadn’t thought about it much until last night and now i can’t stop and i can’t move

Oh man I really really really really don’t like ehr she makes me so fucking angry because she...

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 17:59:17 +0100

Oh man I really really really really don’t like ehr she makes me so fucking angry because she was completely horrible to me GOD emma and grace think so too im so glad im so glad theyre my people man theyre brillaint i love them but i dont love her i bet it’s her sending the messages she’s fucking got enough time on her hands seeing as she doesn’t have to worry about her dumb hair and she’s got all the people she wants to kiss wrapped around her dumb apparently anorexic (except really not) finger dumb little whore

I I really wish I was nicer to her because she’s not a bad person but I’m just...

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 15:42:12 +0100

I really wish I was nicer to her because she’s not a bad person but I’m just idk

I’m really confused but I don’t know why because there’s nothing to be confused about when it comes to her

I’ve also stopped disliking people because what’s the point? I quite like G now, she...

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 00:03:17 +0100

I’ve also stopped disliking people because what’s the point? I quite like G now, she never, ever did anything wrong and was completely clueless (I think, anyways). Eleanor is a bitch and I still hate her but whatever, i also dont care about her.

I don’t care about December anymore, I don’t care about my parents divorce or any of it

I’ve also forgiven Jack because he’s a nice guy and what he did wasn\t that bad and theres no point in dwelling on the fact that he’s made me disgusted with myself everyday and incredibly scared, he’s still a nice guy and I forgive him :-)

I’ve had a really good week but I don’t think I’ve really spoken to anyone and I...

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 23:57:24 +0100

I’ve had a really good week but I don’t think I’ve really spoken to anyone and I feel

well, whenever I feel miserable I just tell myself to stop because who cares, who cares i’m going to die one day anyway so i just dont care about anything at all more than i should. ive stopped believing things to be better than they are and ive stopped dwelling on the past and i dont dwell on the future im just like who cares bc who cares??

i just really want to move somwhere where there’s no one i know and just yeah i need that

I I realised I don’t like her at all any more, like I haven’t wanted to kiss her and the...

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 23:08:13 +0100

I realised I don’t like her at all any more, like I haven’t wanted to kiss her and the only reason I’d want to kiss her is because I’d want to kiss anyone. I don’t even know if I can be bothered with being her proper best friend or anything, I don’t know I haven’t wanted to talk to her about anything serious because I’ve come back to not being able to trust her, because I don’t. And I also realised that I really wish I had just stopped talking to her when the whole ordeal happened because I think it would’ve saved me a lot of grief.

On another note, I talked to Ellie and SHE TAKES MATHS FOR A LEVEL SHE’S AN IDIOT

his name and the word of what happened triggers it every time and i don’t know i don’t...

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 20:05:15 +0100

his name and the word of what happened triggers it every time and i don’t know

i don’t know

no, i take it back i take it back i still like him or lvoe him or whatever whatever i dont know i...

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 22:36:55 +0100

no, i take it back i take it back i still like him or lvoe him or whatever whatever i dont know i dont know if it’s because of what he said the other week or what but i still do i still miss him i still dont care she rides a horse but oh god oh god maybe i should tell him

he said he’ll skype me soon maybe we’ll meet up in summer and kiss and love and marry and love me

I am so happy at the moment, like ridiculous dumb happy but I’m happy, happy, happy....

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 21:34:53 +0100

I am so happy at the moment, like ridiculous dumb happy but I’m happy, happy, happy. It’s sort of aggravating because all this hyper activeness is giving me a headache and there’s not much I can do about that. But I’m happy, and everyone else seems slightly miserable at the moment but I don’t care (not i the disgusting way) but in the ‘Im happy happy happy’ way.
But whenever I feel happy (there’s always a downside) I just sort of, even now, want to bash my head because no, no, no I can’t be happy because I shouldn’t be happy because he told me I shouldn’t be happy and I hate myself, I still hate myself even when I’m happy and God it’s horrible but all I can think about is how selfish I was and how I wasted doctors and nurses time and I deserved to be in such a horrible place, but the other kids there- they were kids and God, you could hear himc rying every night and it was horrible and sometimes i still can and i have no one to talk about it with and the kids were all so sad and ill and i remember Natasha came over to my bed one night at like 1 or 2am and she just sat there and looked at me and then she said ‘Can you hear him?’ and she got so upset over it, and she kept saying how she felt so bad because he was so ill, and I felt so bad because he was so ill and im such a horrible person because he and she was really upset and I didn’t know what to do so I told her to just go to bed because it’s her fault and God, I dind’t know what to do. And my parents haven’t treated me the same since, and they keep mentioning just slyly that I upset them so much, and I know i upset them and i know i’m their only child and I know Im going to fail all my exams and i know i tried to die because i want to fucking die and they dont understand and i dont want them to understand and i want them to stop being so, because honestly; they never really speak to me anymore, and my dad even admitted it’s because he doesn’t know what to say and i don’t know waht to do, I don’t know. Because i’m happy and i want a future and i want to have kids and a job and a life but at the same time im too disgusting to ever feel completely happy and content with that living.
I’m terribly bored lately, because after realising I have no feelings for anyone at all (I haven’t wanted to kiss her since the last time I did- I just want to kiss anyone) I’m bored because liking someone was always exciting. And I keep getting an overwhelming feeling of phoning Tom or someone and just giving myself something because it’ll be interesting, even though I want to date no one and god i’m bored.
i’m really happy she’s my best friend, though, i realised that sometime in the last week. but i’ve also not felt to…i don’t know what the word is, i suppose? ‘In love’ or something to that extent, I mean…I haven’t felt like spending every waking moment with her, or speaking to her constantly; I just do when I want something to do but like i dont know i just love her so much, damn, but i want to kiss her i mean what i dont know she has nice lips good lips and im happy she’s happy and she isn’t attracted to me so i’m not attracted to her, brilliant.

Alright ok im growing sleepy and south park is on

I realised today that I don’t hate her at all, I even told Grace and she was like WHAT because...

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 21:10:25 +0100

I realised today that I don’t hate her at all, I even told Grace and she was like WHAT because it doesn’t make sense, really, from what I’ve said before but honestly, she’s done nothing wrong and she’s actually really nice and yeah, I quite like her (it’s not her fault at all- at least not willingly).

HOWEVER I FUCKING HATE THAT OTHER STUPID GIRL BECAUSE SHE DID EVERYTHING WRONG AND I HAVE FULL REASON TO FEEL UNHAPPY WITH EHR SO YEAH FUCK YOU

Photo

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 00:17:04 +0100

When I was born I was the onlygirl in the room (save for mymother and her midwife).This would be the...

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 00:04:03 +0100

When I was born I was the only
girl in the room (save for my
mother and her midwife).
This would be the last time
I was counted as the most
beautiful diamond to ever
shine.

When I was 5 a boy tugged
at my hair and said my
face was too square and
my legs too bony to ever
be kissed by a dozen
princes.

When I was 6, I watched
him fall flat on his face
and he apologised each
year until I was 22 for
ever being so cruel but
I know his words were
drunken and true.

When I was 14 I kissed
a boy who made me feel
like I’d just been removed
from the womb.
Then he pulled out a knife

Ah, he cut me

Stole one thing I cannot replace,
then he was on his way.
A scribbled note left in his departure,
telling me I needed a nose job stat.

When I was 17 I kissed a girl, who
told me I was delightful

but she still left

And I have succumbed to the
notion that I am undesirable-

so I wrote a poem about it.

Photo

Sun, 22 Apr 2012 23:58:24 +0100

pitiful droplets fall from thewindow of the second story,and she turns to me, then,and screams i am...

Sun, 22 Apr 2012 23:53:00 +0100

pitiful droplets fall from the
window of the second story,
and she turns to me, then,
and screams

i am terribly lonely

but my bones are too brittle-
my voice too dry, so she must
find flavour in a pretty names
lips.

my name harbours no glamour
anymore, and she finds her
more interesting and me a
bore.

and she screams

i am terribly lonely

and yes, alright, i’m so
saddened by her words but
what am i to do if i am the
cause of her despair?

speak to sophie, gossip with
georgia; laugh with laura,
eat with ella

but please
do not fall in love with someone else

Photo

Sun, 22 Apr 2012 23:48:52 +0100